mallowstreet Rocks: You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet

Bands

• Age Against the Machine
  Pete Appleby (Guitar) - Having recently evolved from a marginally lower life-form Pete found himself enslaved to a race of hyper intelligent cuttlefish and only managed a fortunate escape when he was washed ashore by a smallish tsunami. The following wilderness years were spent flitting from job to job earning a pittance in such varied roles as “Mobile Bus Stop”, “Spare Part”, “Totem Pole” (for a tribe of Umpa-Lumpas) and “Miseryguts” he enjoyed a brief but completely unsuccessful sporting career as part of the Moldovan male synchronised swimming squad and had to retire after a well publicised and horrific wardrobe malfunction with his team Man-kini. It was shortly after this event, whilst serving a 5 year sentence in a correctional institution in Moldova for the joint charges of Treason and Indecent Exposure, he learned how to play a homemade blues guitar fashioned out of hardened prison gruel, wood and old prison bars for strings. Although now a proficient and able guitarist, it is thought that the use of the iron bars for strings explains his current string breakage problem and the other unmentionable prison experiences explains his thousand yard stare and why he is not permitted to use a microphone during performances. Pete has been taken under the wing of MGM Advantage as a Business Analyst as part of his reintegration with polite society rehabilitation court order and one day hopes to be allowed to use metal cutlery at lunchtimes. Paul Dilley (Drums) - Born out of the marriage of Mother Theresa and George Peppard, Paul Dilley became one of the world youngest inventors when, at the age of 5, he invented the musical door bell. After obtaining a masters degree in rocket science aged 14, he then went on to invent the strapless bikini top. After joining the SAS at age 16, Paul single-handedly took Goose Green from the armed forces of Argentina and was widely believed to have won the war on his own. After receiving the George Cross for gallantry Paul went on to score a hat trick for Crystal Palace in the 1979 FA cup final. In the same year he took 18 wickets and scored 320 runs in the final test against Australia. After turning down the chance to head the UN he married Elle Macpherson and had 14 children. He also adopted 10 African orphans, replanted 50 acres of trees in the Amazon rainforest and spent a year cleaning oil from baby seals. Growing bored of his humanitarian work he took up drumming and within a year went on a highly successful tour with Gun and Roses. After leaving Guns and Roses he taught himself piano and played at Charles and Diana’s wedding at St Pauls Cathedral and was able to step in to complete the marriage service when the Arch Bishop of Canterbury fell ill. Paul won the “world’s most handsome man” title three years in a row and is the current holder of the “man bikini models would most like to sleep with” certificate. Paul has won Mastermind four times, regularly appears on “Have I got news for you” and is one of the “Eggheads” from the BBC2 quiz program. Paul currently fly’s a fighter plane for the RAF, is a special adviser to the Pope and in his spare time works as a computer programmer at MGM Advantage.” David Nuttall (Bass and backing vocals) - Here lies David St. Hubbins Nuttall... and why not? – oh I thought you said obituary” Lottie Mawson (Vocals and Guitar) - Lottie Mawson is a professional ballet dancer and the secret lovechild of Mikhail Baryshnikov. In her spare time she enjoys stamp collecting, dog grooming and making paper airplanes. Lottie has a restraining order for stalking Barry Manilow, which she strongly denies. However her favourite song is Mandy. She hopes to one day join NASA’s space programme and be the first woman to live on Mars with her pet Python, Lucy.
• Casino
  Yesterday, all our troubles seemed so far away. Then we became daydream believers. Now, mama mia, we’re finally facing our Waterloo. Wake us up when September ends... Sebastian Cheek: Raised on a diet of the Chili Peppers and hardcore punk throughout his teens, Sebastian pleased his family no end during this time by smashing the hell out of his drum kit, which was conveniently set up in the living room! Rock ‘n’ roll beckoned at the tender age of 17 when he joined a heavy funk three-piece called Shallow before playing with a riff-heavy four-piece, Crazy 88. More recently, he occupied the drum throne for a synth-indie outfit called King Robot. Matthew 'Shades' Demwell: 1957 Born at 5.00 am. Hence enduring dislike of mornings. 1976 Joined Sun Life Assurance in London straight from school i.e. eschewed three years of drugs, sex and rock ‘n’ roll at Uni for a job and a mortgage. Clearly a budding actuary. 1987 First picked up a guitar to accompany himself singing. 1998 Named ‘Britain’s Wildest Actuary’. Appeared on a Newsnight Christmas special arranging a pension for Santa Claus. 1999 First public gig supporting Tom Robinson at Crisis Open Christmas. 2010 Founded Casino. Tony 'Tone' English: Tone's stage career has been varied. He was reportedly seen on stage in 1995 with a group of farmyard animals, attacking a chicken and demonstrating a stunning lack of bladder control. Subsequently banned from the student union for his final year at university, Tone initially became a recluse, but was in part redeemed playing cool jazz in restaurants, 'Round Midnight, and a bit of “Pokey” jazz-funk. Tone's path to redemption continues with regular “electric” contributions with Mrs. Tone and friends at their local place of worship, supported by the three devoted mini-Tones. Tone is ready and waiting to spin the wheel for Casino and turn that dial to 11. Ed 'Volume Knob' Jones: Ed 'Volume Knob' Jones, known to his friends - usually - in the shortened form of 'Volume Ed' (although this can vary). A classically trained musician with a music degree, Ed originally auditioned to join the band on viola, and he was so good we asked him to play bass. Michael 'Maverick' Kinney: With a mother who studied piano and music theory at college and a father actively involved in the business, Kinney was always likely to have an interest in music. But it took the punk movement of late 1976 and 1977 to kick start his interest. “It was such a breath of fresh air - everyone was joining a band”. Until then, his musical talents had been restricted to achieving grade 1 in the piano and grade 4 in the trumpet. With the trumpet only starting at grade 3, Kinney’s ambitions clearly lay elsewhere.
• Fifty First State
  Formed from the remnants of the legendary The Lost Chords, due to musical similarities the band changed its name to Fifty First State to reflect their interest in Buddhism or something. Rumour has it that the guitarist moonlights as a cleaner at a company with the same name. On Drums - Kiwi Steve. From Australia no one really knows who he is or why he is in the band. Does not have a phone. Does have a beard. Should really be playing bass. On Bass – Tony McCormack. Also not form England. Eclectic taste in music from late seventies punk to early eighties new wave. Most likely to say “let’s do another Clash cover”. Least likely to say “Super Caley go ballistic Celtic are atrocious”. Spent a lot of time examining Reuters’ screens searching for the bass tab to “any old iron”. Guitar Pedal – Will Oulton. After years of practice Will has mastered his guitar pose whilst activating pre-recorded riffs through his stomp box. Hypnotised the other band members into agreeing to naming the band after his age and employer by saying “calm down” repeatedly then nicking their wallets. Afflicted with the chronic and incurable condition called scousegit. Lead Vocals and Charisma – Bob. By far the most attractive member of the group, Bob works form home so has nothing better to do than write up the bands bios. Born in Pleasley near Mansfield he has also lived in Crofton, Mickleover, Cottingham, Nottingham, Guildford, Streatham, Harringey and Highbury. With over ten O levels, three A levels and a lower second class law degree (Hons), Bob is a real team player, would not say that he has any weaknesses, enjoys travel, swimming and socialising and is currently looking for a lucrative position with an international securities law firm. Can’t really sing but tries hard to remember the words.
• Funds N Roses
  Funds N’ Roses came together in the Summer of 2011, forming especially for Pensions Rocks III. Singing songs that you take you back to pension funds’ golden days, Funds N’ Roses rock in a way that only pensions professionals can – unreservedly. Roman Subbotin (Lead Guitars) Roman “Yngwie Who?” Subbotin has two passions in life; international pension calculations and guitar playing - both at fast speeds. His current record is 13 calculations per second, utilising advanced actuarial techniques, such as time travel. Andrew Lim (Lead Bass / Backing Vocals) Andrew “Lowly Strung” Lim is a classically-trained singer and has a diploma in piano, although a mysterious accident involving a pile of hymn books and a sostenuto pedal prompted him to take his musical career in a different direction. Hitesh Vaghela (Lead Keyboards / Rhythm Guitar) Hitesh “Keytar” Vaghela is a legendary rock pianist and mediocre guitarist. Some say he got his virtuoso rock skills from a mysterious mage called Rockmaninoff and his mis-spent youth playing too much Guitar Hero. Jon Oliver (Lead Drums) Jon “CozyVanBonham” Oliver’s rock career reads like a who’s that of Rock ‘n’ Roll. Who could forget the lean and tasty Rat Salad (however hard they try)? Or the rambunctious Rambunctious? Finally, after spending 10 years learning to count with the finest minds in the pensions industry, Jon is back on the throne. Now he is sure he can get from 1 to 4. Without stopping. Louisa Ardley (Lead Vocals) Louisa "Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do" Ardley started her singing career aged 3 starting with the theme tune to Sesame Street before moving onto more classical numbers such as Rainbow, He-Man and She-Ra. Having been rejected by X-Factor for the last 8 successive years, Louisa has joined Funds 'n Roses to show Simon Cowell what he's been missing out on.
• DB DC

  The term “Supergroup” is much maligned, and with good reason, as most of them are rubbish. DB DC are no exception. Five financial PR people who met through work and discovered a common interest in simple songs requiring as few chords as possible, they retain their “raw” sound largely by not rehearsing. Steely Dan they ain’t.

  Ben Larter – Vocals Ben has been in at least 4 bands over the last 20 years, all of which are noted for their lack of success. His solo 2002 world tour, entitled “I’ve suffered for my music, now it’s your turn,” started at the Coach & Horses in Croydon and ended shortly after the 2nd chorus of the first song. He enjoys extreme tapestry and finds himself hilarious.

  Nick Bone – Guitar It’s rumoured Nick can play guitar but no-one’s sure if it’s true or not yet. He likes big riffs and his proudest moment was learning more than three chords.

  Richard Acworth – Guitar Rich mastered the guitar on a vintage Dunlop Maxply achieving acclaim for his rendition of Summer of 89. It was not until 2012 that he hung up his cat gut and invested in a six string for more than a 5 and dime. Dislikes inflation in most cases.

  Robert Roessler – Ruthlessly efficient bass Robert was an internationally acclaimed free jazz harpist as a child. Luckily he forgot most of his skills since then and is now playing bass because it’s much easier to play than any other instrument.

  Andy Fleming – Drums Andy once played drums for a band called Strange Fruit. Then he became a civil servant and they became Sleeper. He is very bitter. Likes halibut.

• BlackRocket

  Winners back in 2013, can they do it once more...

  • Jeannette Spaulding (vocals) – Jeannette works in Client Mandate Strategy & Design by day and is a rock goddess by night.

  • Dan Edwards (vocals) – If a member of disbanded One Direction worked in Risk & Quantitative Analysis, Dan would be that member…

  • Stephen Crocombe (guitars) – As BlackRock’s Head of Multi-Asset Stratgies in EMEA, it was perhaps inappropriate when he shouted in a recent band conference call next to the trading floor: “We need to grab our crotches more if we want to win!”

  • Chris Moore (keys) - A Managing Director in BlackRock’s Institutional business, Chris remembers most of our songs the first time they came out as originals in the 60s!

  • Olutayo Osunkule (drums) – Olu is a Nigerian drum god who picks stocks for a living. Go figure.

  • Stephen White (bass) – After dreaming of being a world-famous jazz double bassist as a kid, Stephen is naturally now a Director in Corporate Communications.